Closing The Book.

April 25th, this past Wednesday, was my university’s Senior Art Exhibition. It is the final art show for all graduating art students at West Chester University.

Many friends and family members came out to see my senior work, help support The New Gallery’s fist student show and also just to celebrate a very positive event. I won second place for body of artwork and am graduating with honors.

The book of my undergraduate career is finally closed. It’s been a long haul. I am excited, happy and tired. Over the next few months I’ll be recovering from surgery, getting back in shape and taking a look at what I want to do with my future. There are many roads ahead, each I will be open to and embrace with passion and love.

Live life and climb on!

Statement.

So, it’s almost the end of April (well close enough.) School is drawing to an end, next week is the senior class art department show, and that basically finalizes my academic career at West Chester University. 

Thoughts:

• I knew this last semester would flew by, I had not thought it would at this speed. I accomplished almost everything I had to (and wanted to) in these past few months, despite environment complications.
• At the end of last year, looking back now, all my fears were unfounded. Fears about being a competent artist, fears about having the energy and commitment to see classes and work through. In general, some of the stress I generated at having to bring this semester to a close was, at this point, just wasted energy.
• I’m grateful for the support of my family, friends and partner. I think these social supports did help with the transfer of positive energy into the tasks I needed to get done.
• The only fear I recognize now, in me, is the “ambiguous graduation fear.” What does this mean? Basically, what comes next? Do I look for that something, or do I let it find me? Should I go about doing the things I love, the things I have been doing in order to be more open to any and all opportunities should they present themselves? ….I think yes, ultimately being open will help with discovering the future.
• At some point, my model work over the summer will stop, not because I don’t wish to do it, but because it simply will not be there….I’m thinking about how to positively fill that time over this summer. 
• My surgery is in two weeks. I’m relaxed mostly. Not looking forward to the down time that will have to be imposed, but I think it may be good to really take a step away from everything and rediscover what “down time” should mean and be for me. 

One more note, I’ve been riding again. A few weeks ago I was trying to decide if starting the Century training before the operation was a good thing….I mean, I would start it, but then have to take a break, and the recovery back into it might be hard emotionally…for many reasons. I decided to start it and it’s been such a positive activity. I know getting back into all the activities I love after the surgery will take patience and time, but having that jump start sincerely helped me clear out some negative energy I was feeling, and overall helped with feeling better about what is possible for the future. I’m ready for whatever comes next.

Personality & Physicality.

In this TED talk, Scott Summit shows 3D-printed, individually designed prosthetic legs that are unabashedly artificial and completely personal. An inspiration to watch, and creatively exciting.

Tubes and all.

Last Wednesday I had my first oncology appointment. I hadn’t slept the night before, and was very tired. I was fortunate enough to have the company of my partner, Michael, through the course of the visit. I don’t think my attitude would have been as positive afterward if it hadn’t been for his encouragement, support and caring.

So this is it: I have to have a hysterectomy.

Here is why: At first I was told I have clear margins, this was from my most recent surgery, the cold knife cone biopsy. When I met with the oncologist this was and wasn’t true. Although I do not “have cancer,” cancerous cells are in place. I was diagnosed with Adenocarcinoma in situ (CIN II). Carcinoma are cancerous cells, in situ means in place. This was very different than their original assessment. First, only surface tissues seemed to be involved. Upon further evidence from the pathology report, they discovered that the abnormal cells were deeper in the cervical tissue than they’d like to see, especially after the biopsy. Also, they were showing up in the glands that run parallel throughout the cervical tissue.

Awesome!

I was given two choices for further treatment. First, if I was planning on having kids, my best option would be another cold knife cone biopsy, one where the surgery would go deeper into the cervical canal and also deeper into the tissue walls to remove as much as possible. I would probably have complications if I were to have kids. My cervix would have to be stitched.

The second option was a total hysterectomy. I would have the cervix, uterus and tubes removed, but I’d get to keep my ovaries. This option would be only if I was ok never having kids, and am not family driven.

Imagine sitting in an office chair and a doctor tells you that you’re basically making a semi or permanent decision about your fertility.

I cried a little, but mostly was in shock! I’m 34, I get annual PAPs, all of which had been clean, all of them except this last one. I felt conflict: what if I did eventually want to have kids someday? why was this happening now? are seriously kidding me?….they had to be someone else’s results.

After spending the night talking with friends, family and Michael, I decided, for me personally, the hysterectomy was the best option. I’ve never been “driven” to have kids. I love them, but realistically, if it hadn’t really happened by now, I wasn’t expecting it to, and had made amends with life in general.

So here I am. My surgery is May 2nd. It’s, for me, the most logical choice to make considering the facts. I could have biopsy after biopsy and possibly never remove all the offending cells. Not only that but I’d be destroying my cervix in the process. Or, I just remove the parts where the cells are lurking, possibly in areas yet undiscovered, and I lose my fertility, permanently.

I thought hard about this decision. I cried hard about it. Never being able to have kids is a big deal. But not being around at some point to enjoy life, family and Michael, is even worse. I’m sacrificing the parts for the good of the whole.

F Cancer.

Positive and Negative Projections.

We might define genuinely beautiful objects as those endowed with sufficient innate assets as to withstand our positive or negative projections. – Alain de Botton

 

Clear Margins.

Early last Friday morning I was having breakfast with my partner in a bed & breakfast just outside of New Paltz, NY. We’d spent the week hiking, exploring the Gunks, it was so beautiful. I received a call from my OB GYN, my annual PAP came back very irregular, so irregular that she scheduled me for surgery while I was on the phone with her.

If you’ve known anyone in this situation before, you as a reader, maybe able to understand how impacted I was, and my partner too when I related the information. It didn’t make the week any less beautiful, I did however feel like I had stepped into another universe.

Driving back from NY I thought about a lot. What did this mean for my partner and I? How much school was I going to miss? I had to clear my professional work schedule for 2 weeks due to recovery time. I needed to let my family and close friends know. That four hours was in some ways, the longest I’ve had in my life to date.

The weekend was hard, I kept a lot of emotions inside, it created a lot of tension, overall things went well despite the looming heaviness of the surgery day. My partner took me in for surgery Tuesday, I was home by noon. There weren’t any surgical complications, but now I had to wait for test results. The doctors explained best and worst case scenarios. I mentally prepped myself for everything. Talked with my family, my partner and my friends. There was a lot of positive emotion being sent around, and I think it’s easy to forget how strong those things can make you feel, and also too, to not take anything for granted.

So this is it, my story of the last week: I have dysplasia and abnormal cell growth in my cervix. What this typically means or is translated too is defined in terms of being pre cancerous. I underwent a Cold Knife Cone biopsy. Recovery period is no exercise for 2 weeks, no intercourse for a month. There’s heavy spotting, cramping and back pain (I’m currently sporting all three of these things.)

Yesterday I had the first part of a new sleeve tattoo started. Towards the end of my sitting my doctor called and gave me great news: clear margins, no cancer.

I felt like reality again had just snapped back in place. I was so relieved. So were my partner, friends and family.

Follow up treatment will be for now, PAPs every 6 months instead of annually. I’m also seeing an OB GYN oncologist.

Before all of this happened, I signed up for a great local bike ride with my bike buddy, and also a trail run/canoe race with another friend. Training is on hold for both, but I am still doing both, maybe with less strength, but now even more determination to just DO THEM.

I don’t know how other people feel when they find out their lives don’t have to change severely. I know how I feel as a woman, friend, lover and family member. Nothing is too small or too big to help you gain a better perspective on what this journey we call life is all about.

Now I don’t have to sacrifice the rest of my cervix or uterus. I can still have children If I want (if my partner wants!) Life is, today, really beautiful.

So take a deep breath and enjoy and reflect with me.

Networks.

Came across this short video on vimeo the other day, the ideas are inspiring and mind blowing. You should give it a short watch and listen. It’s under 2 minutes in length.

The narrator is speaking about NETWORKS: technology, organisms, and environment. Very interesting concepts!

“Networks are everywhere. The brain is a network of nerve cells connected by axons, and cells themselves are networks of molecules connected by biochemical reactions. Societies, too, are networks of people linked by friendships, familial relationships and professional ties. On a larger scale, food webs and ecosystems can be represented as networks of species. And networks pervade technology: the Internet, power grids and transportation systems are but a few examples. Even the language we are using to convey these thoughts to you is a network, made up of words connected by syntactic relationships.”

TO UNDERSTAND IS TO PERCEIVE PATTERNS from jason silva on Vimeo.

A Time For Change.

Happiness is not the belief that we don’t need to change. It’s the realization that we can. -Shawn Achor

Yes. 2011 is over. Did you celebrate?

I did, in my own special kind of way. I didn’t mourn losses or think about regrets. I did reflect on how amazing and wonderful 2011 did turn out to be.

It was a beautiful year. And now, I’m ready for 2012 to be even more amazing.

Spectacular even. I figure there will be some pain, some suffering and a lot of change, but it will all be worth it. Whatever it is.

Here’s some reading for you.  Considering how many changes I went through and made personally last year in 2011, I think it’s appropriate to mention it here:

The Art of Change

Happy New Year!

Heart spills out.

I have not decompressed from the day’s events. I’m upset, maybe in a little shock.

I saw and felt a lot today. I can’t stop crying. I know I did what I could. It could have been worse. I’m glad I was there, maybe that was just my purpose for today.

I’m thinking about how fragile human beings are. We train our bodies, physically alter our appearances, and go through transformative experiences. We train our minds, endure emotions and suffering, take ourselves to the limits and break them.

But we are just flesh. And we are so fragile.

So fragile…

Superficiality.

Delete your facebook.

It will change your life, and clarify your friendships.

Here’s a short article to get the noggin a thinkin: Facebook is Making Us Miserable.

 

I’ve been facebook free for a little over two weeks. Feels great. If I don’t see this blog before the holiday, Happy Holidays!